Tonights blog post is a very difficult one for me to write. I never really expected to not blog for weeks and not be able to film for YouTube (all my uploads over the past few week have been pre - recorded).
I want to start from the beginning so you can understand fully what I have been going through. I started a new job 3 weeks ago tomorrow and it was a very hard thing for me to do. I knew I would be nervous but I didn't realise I would panic in a lot of situations to do with meeting people and that I would cry in the car on my way to my first day, multiple times. I thought it was normal to panic in such a way for the first day, so I carried on and didn't tell anyone how I felt.
As I got into my 3rd day these feelings didn't pass. Now I am not saying that this is the first time I have experienced these feelings. I have them a lot. I will list below all the situations that make me feel the way I do:
- Going out alone.
- Going to Pubs/Cafes/nightclubs where there are a lot of people.
- Ringing people I don't know on a telephone.
- Driving to places I don't know.
- Getting on public transport.
- Going shopping or to the supermarket
Basically anywhere that involves people or new things.
The feelings I am talking about start with an itchy/scratchy throat that then turns into I can't breath. When I can't breath I get knots in my stomach making me feel sick and tense and my hands start to feel numb. As this is happening I start to cry. The final stage of this is the room feels like it is closing in and I have to run outside or as far away as I possibly can from the situation. For example if I am asked to ring someone I normally just put that job to the bottom of the pile and say "Oh I didn't get round to doing that today".
This is not normal. I only found this out by speaking to family (they noticed that I was a lot more uptight and stressed) and then going to the doctor. I have never been so scared to speak to someone about these things as I have when I walked into the doctors surgery. It turns out I didn't need to be. The lady was lovely and gave me a number to call to get some counselling. She then went on to tell my what I am suffering is Anxiety and Anxiety/Panic Attacks, which means I am mentally ill. To be honest I was heartbroken to hear that I wasn't "Normal" and that there was something wrong in my head. But it does make sense.... and I can completely understand what it is that makes me feel scared but at this time I can't say it out loud (sorry).
What I am trying to explain to everyone is I haven't had the confidence or the energy (as these attacks are draining) to write posts or film videos. I have been so anxious about filming/writing that its all become too much and I have ended up in a state. In the end I felt the best thing to do was take a step back and try with little baby steps to get back to what I used to be. I will film this week I am determined to so there should be an upload on my channel for next week. And I will write a blog post (though it will have to be friday evening now I work full time).
Please please please bare with me through this difficult time. I am really trying but it doesn't happen overnight.
If any of you suffer out there with this problem please comment and let me know your tips/advice on how to control this.
Thank you my lovelies!