Help? Uncontrollable Crying

Hi everyone,

Before I start this post I want to let you know it is about something very personal and hard for me to talk about. In fact I don't even understand what it is that I am talking about.

When I was younger I wasn't afraid of anything, I was completely fearless. I was just a normal child growing up with friends, falling out with friends and sticking up for friends. I never had a confidence issue and nothing phased me or bothered me.

It wasn't until I hit high school that things changed for me. I wasn't a popular kid, I enjoyed maths and science and wanted to learn, but I still ended up "in the wrong crowd" as my parents say. I did try smoking and I regret that massively (I suffer with severe asthma) but I thought it would help me have friends and not make me feel alone like I always did. I made the wrong friends.

We had the day off school in year 10 and one of my friends friends was throwing a house party on an estate with not the best reputation. I wanted to go so bad, I thought this is it I am going to make friends and never feel alone again. I didn't realise that there was going to be a lot of drinking going on .... and I mean a lot, people were drinking 1.5 litre bottles of cider to themselves. There was lads there and everyone knew I hadn't kissed a boy before so they kept pestering the boys to kiss me, none of them would (and I didn't want to) but my "friend" decided to tell me it was probably because I was a bit fat that no one fancied me. My heart sank and I could feel the tears filling up behind my eyes.... I told myself to stop being stupid and I went to the loo sorted myself out and came back down. The mum of the girl hosting the party had come home and kicked everyone out, which is when one of my mates decided to ring my parents and ask for me to stay at hers, at the time I thought nothing of it and wanted to sleepover. Late into the evening we got a phone call from another girl who had been at the party and she asked us to go and meet her and off we went.

I only remember parts of what happened but it was awful and I would never wish it on anyone... not even my worst enemy! A bunch of girls came flying round the corner with one of them shouting at me, saying I had called her a slag and that I thought I was better than everyone else because my parents were still together and that I wasn't I was a fat ugly cow (excuse my language). I started crying and then two girls from behind her started to hit and punch me until they knocked me unconscious.. thankfully there was a kind guy from the working mens club who helped me out. I did stay at a so called friends house that night but it turns out she wasn't a friend at all.

I feel like I have never gotten over these events. They still haunt me to this day and I don't trust anyone anymore. I wanted to ask if anyone suffers from what I am about to explain.

Sometimes when I am faced with a difficult situation (ie arguing, even with my parents, confronting people I don't know even if it is to do with work, wearing something a bit more daring) I start to cry. It doesn't instantly come on I go through phases. I start to feel a sense of dread and doom inside me, like I want to escape and be swallowed up by the earth, I then start to tense and I try to smile my way out of it but I know what is coming and I can not stop it. The tears start to flow and before long I am in such a state that my nose is blocked and I struggle to breath.. I look like and feel like I am "hiccuping" for air and there is nothing I can do. I try to breath through it but these things last for ages. Sometimes reminiscing about the crying or the incident that made me cry makes me go through the phases again.

I feel like I take everything to heart that people say and I look like a cry baby. Sometimes I cry and I feel like the whole world is wondering why but I can't explain it. Just recently I had a meeting with my bosses and things didn't go to plan ... Nothing negative was said just things to work on and the terror and fear inside me made me get into a state that I shouldn't have been in.

Does anyone else suffer with this? And can anyone help?

BethanyLouise xx

Sunday Funday

Hi everyone,

How've you spent your Sunday? Mine was a nice lay in followed by a bit of a workout at the gym and then a lovely home made curry, now me and my family are sitting down to watch a film :)

I thought I would do a 10 facts about me post so you can all get to know me more! 

1. My name is Bethany Louise and I am 18 and a half years old (I had to put the half in there) aha!

2. I love anything science orientated... Even though I love beauty science fascinates me and so do documentaries.

3. I have an obsession with shopping, whether it is makeup or clothes I have to have a look round the shops at least once a week ... And I normally find clothes I love when I can't afford it :(

4. I used to be a bigger girl and I have lost a lot of weight (I will go into a lot more detail in a later post)

5. I love zombies! Anything to do with them I want to watch or re create! I watch the walking dead religiously and I love it! I would actually love to be a walker in it one day (I'm a saddo I know) 

6. My hair is naturally curly and ginger and I looked like Annie as a baby.

7. I left my fashion course at college after just a year and went out to work on an apprenticeship. I then left that after 9 months to work in creative support at a greetings cards company and I love it. I cut and stick for a living.

8. I'm super loud and super shy all in one! The first time I meet people I tend to be really quiet or I talk so much I don't even know what I'm saying I just over compensate nerves with confidence hehe! 

9. I'm really close to my mum and she is literally my best friend I don't know how I would survive if I didn't have her. We go to the gym together, shop together and even go on holiday together!

10. Last but not least I'm crazy about art and design! I love buying new paints and markers to just go crazy with! I enjoy drawing on shoes and making them quirky and personal... I don't know why it's just something I did one day and done ever since :)

I hope this post has been a bit of a different read for you guys and I hope it's helped you understand me more! 

Till next time

Bethanylouise xx

Partial Solar Eclipse

Hi Everyone,

A bit of a geeky science post but did you guys witness the partial solar eclipse this morning? I loved seeing it and I even managed to capture it in photographs yay!

Below are a couple of photos showing the progression of it happening! I have to admit it was weird because it had just got light and then it was like watching the sunset again and then watch it come up again.

Till next time my lovelies

BethanyLouise xx

Happy Mothers Day

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is having a fantastic Mother's Day and I hope you've spoilt your mama rotten! 

I am so grateful to have such a brilliant mum who supports me, cares for me and loves me so much! This year I went all out and paid for a long weekend in Barcelona with my mama dearest! The look on her face when she found out was priceless... I am so excited to go! 3 weeks and counting! 

Anyone know any good places to go? I'm defo going to see this place 

Till next time

Bethanylouise xx

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I'm here

Hi everyone,

I am so so sorry about the non existent posts over the last 2 months :( I know I have a lot of explaining to do! I still love my beauty and blogging I've just had a lot going on :(

Firstly I have been ill a lot recently and it has been an unpleasant time, I'm not going to go into too much detail because, well it's private and I hope you appreciate that :)

Secondly I've not been able to log in... I sound like a complete idiot ha! My phone broke and when I kept trying to log on on my laptop I couldn't get on! Anyway I have the iPhone 6 plus now so phone blogging should come with ease! Hallelujah! 

I am going to be posting as often as I can and about a variety of things, I did originally say I wanted my blog to be about beauty, yes I will still review and post about products but the last couple months have made me realise I want to talk about life and well my lifestyle, things that bother me or my opinion on things. Just general day to day life :) I know I will probably end up babbling about small things but that's what I love... Telling everyone how I feel, what I'm thinking etc 

I hope you lot will love my blog as much as I will! 

Much love 

Bethanylouise xx