Before I start this post I want to let you know it is about something very personal and hard for me to talk about. In fact I don't even understand what it is that I am talking about.
When I was younger I wasn't afraid of anything, I was completely fearless. I was just a normal child growing up with friends, falling out with friends and sticking up for friends. I never had a confidence issue and nothing phased me or bothered me.
It wasn't until I hit high school that things changed for me. I wasn't a popular kid, I enjoyed maths and science and wanted to learn, but I still ended up "in the wrong crowd" as my parents say. I did try smoking and I regret that massively (I suffer with severe asthma) but I thought it would help me have friends and not make me feel alone like I always did. I made the wrong friends.
We had the day off school in year 10 and one of my friends friends was throwing a house party on an estate with not the best reputation. I wanted to go so bad, I thought this is it I am going to make friends and never feel alone again. I didn't realise that there was going to be a lot of drinking going on .... and I mean a lot, people were drinking 1.5 litre bottles of cider to themselves. There was lads there and everyone knew I hadn't kissed a boy before so they kept pestering the boys to kiss me, none of them would (and I didn't want to) but my "friend" decided to tell me it was probably because I was a bit fat that no one fancied me. My heart sank and I could feel the tears filling up behind my eyes.... I told myself to stop being stupid and I went to the loo sorted myself out and came back down. The mum of the girl hosting the party had come home and kicked everyone out, which is when one of my mates decided to ring my parents and ask for me to stay at hers, at the time I thought nothing of it and wanted to sleepover. Late into the evening we got a phone call from another girl who had been at the party and she asked us to go and meet her and off we went.
I only remember parts of what happened but it was awful and I would never wish it on anyone... not even my worst enemy! A bunch of girls came flying round the corner with one of them shouting at me, saying I had called her a slag and that I thought I was better than everyone else because my parents were still together and that I wasn't I was a fat ugly cow (excuse my language). I started crying and then two girls from behind her started to hit and punch me until they knocked me unconscious.. thankfully there was a kind guy from the working mens club who helped me out. I did stay at a so called friends house that night but it turns out she wasn't a friend at all.
I feel like I have never gotten over these events. They still haunt me to this day and I don't trust anyone anymore. I wanted to ask if anyone suffers from what I am about to explain.
Sometimes when I am faced with a difficult situation (ie arguing, even with my parents, confronting people I don't know even if it is to do with work, wearing something a bit more daring) I start to cry. It doesn't instantly come on I go through phases. I start to feel a sense of dread and doom inside me, like I want to escape and be swallowed up by the earth, I then start to tense and I try to smile my way out of it but I know what is coming and I can not stop it. The tears start to flow and before long I am in such a state that my nose is blocked and I struggle to breath.. I look like and feel like I am "hiccuping" for air and there is nothing I can do. I try to breath through it but these things last for ages. Sometimes reminiscing about the crying or the incident that made me cry makes me go through the phases again.
I feel like I take everything to heart that people say and I look like a cry baby. Sometimes I cry and I feel like the whole world is wondering why but I can't explain it. Just recently I had a meeting with my bosses and things didn't go to plan ... Nothing negative was said just things to work on and the terror and fear inside me made me get into a state that I shouldn't have been in.
Does anyone else suffer with this? And can anyone help?